


Uncle Spam

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Post-Avengers (2012), Spam is Delicious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 09:34:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: In which the Avengers happily live in Avengers' Tower and discuss the Spam Issue.





	Uncle Spam

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

 

Now Jackson had his acorns  
And Grant his precious rye;  
Teddy had his poisoned beef —  
Worse you couldn’t buy.

The doughboy had his hardtack  
Without the navy’s jam,  
But armies on their stomachs move —  
And this one moves on Spam.

—Anonymous World War II poem

 

"SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM," Tony chanted as JARVIS displayed his email on the Smart Glass table in front of him and deleted each as it was recognized. "Tony Stark DOES NOT NEED VIAGRA!"

Steve looked up from the news crawler he had on his own StarkPad. "We all know that, Tony," he said soothingly.

"SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM," Tony grumbled, flicking four more obnoxious emails into non-existence. "I also don't need live streaming sports."

Clint was trying to Skype with Laura and he had to raise his voice to be heard over Tony. "Yeah, you just go watch Thor and Steve wrestle." He added, "Greco-Roman style."

"Of course," Natasha said, giving Clint a warning glare. "Everyone wrestles Greco-Roman style these days."

"Oh, yah," Clint agreed.

"SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM," Tony growled, stabbing at the air. "Also Stark Industries does not need a business advisor in how to increase our social visibility."

"That is very true," Thor said, "you have many enemies who speak your name quite loudly."

Tony squinted his eyes at Thor. Thor smiled sunnily at him, finished off a pitcher of ale and wiped the foam off his mustache. "But what is this Spam?"

"It's minced up cooked pork shoulder, ham, salt, water, modified potato starch, and sodium nitrite," Steve said. He liked Google, and sometimes followed too many links.

"If you do not wish this food, Tony, perhaps you could give it to the less fortunate?" Thor remarked. 

"SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!" Tony said. "I'm not even ON Facebook or Linked In."

"It's not the food, Thor," Natasha said. "It now also means unwanted advertisements, often intended to cheat you if you follow them to their source."

Thor frowned. "But meat is a good thing! Why would you wish to call something so unpleasant after meat?"

Steve sighed. "Spam doesn't go bad, and doesn't have to be cooked, so during the war, the U.S. sent millions of pounds of Spam to the troops. It was ok at first, but three times a day? You get sick of it."

"Spam is a good thing," Natasha said, firmly. "In Russia, Spam fed our army. The Nazis blockaded Leningrad. For two years we had no meat. When the U.S. merchant ships brought aid, we ate Spam and were glad of it!"

Everyone looked at Natasha. "You're not that old," Tony pointed out.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "I was speaking as a Russian! Of course I am not that old," she said, opening her eyes wide and innocent.

There was a moment of contemplative silence. 

Then Tony sang, "Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!"

And Clint joined in, "Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!  
Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam  
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!  
Spam spam spam spam!"

Steve closed his Starkpad. "I think I've lost my appetite."

"Might I have your Spam, then?" Thor asked. "I think it would go well with fried eggs."

**Author's Note:**

> I am fed up with Spam... the kind that's keeping AO3 from being able to send new account invites.
> 
> (Yes, that's the Spam Song from Monty Python)
> 
> I was the LONGEST time trying to figure out why the rhythm of the words in the WWII poem seemed like a song, but I just heard the music, not the words.
> 
> Then I figured it out. It's the Llama Llama Duck song, but the version I know is 'venger, 'venger, Hulk'  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVtYc4Lvhto


End file.
